Looking for love in all the wrong places? For anyone who isn’t Larry Laffer, the best place to meet is not at the club, local supermarket, or OnlyFans – you need to transport yourself to the Island of Hearts. It’s easy. All you have to do is snub the love of your life, and your besties will equip you with a heart talisman that’ll transport you to this isle of baddies.
Now, I really can’t assume your motivations for playing this game, but if you’re looking for a quick…fix, it’s not that game. This narrative adventure is all about love, and just how incredibly shallow it can be. Like Five Hearts Under One Roof, you get to woo a selection of delightful archetypes that will hopefully have your heart fulfilled, you’ll appreciate what you already have and realise that’s a good thing, or you’ll download a more reliable VPN and research other ways for your dopamine journey.
As a happily married man, and yes, that’s true, I actually enjoy these games. There’s the charm of scenery chewing, uncomfortable pauses, and multiple paths that would put Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone to shame. It’s a guilty pleasure, and Island of Hearts has those little quirks that might have you loitering around the resort for some time after you finish your first storyline.
The plot is for the minimalists, as you arrive on this magical island, with a series of beautiful women desperate for your attention. Do you go for the Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike streamer, Mia, who hardly stops smiling? The sultury Emily who wants to be in control and likes to wear a nurse’s uniform that hasn’t been cleared by HR? The ‘never been kissed’ Lily, or Chloe – the lady who drinks from both taps? Or maybe they haven’t done enough to impress you, and you quite fancy your chances with that bitch, Sophia? Then again, there’s always Gabby and her collection of plushies and her braces. If that’s one of your kinks.
However, before you fixate on ‘kinks’, apart from an abundance of POV focal points on the ladies’ jubblies, it’s all harmless stuff. Of course, your significant other, or that girl with the blue hair and septum ring you know at work, will have something to say about it, but it’s relatively innocent and fun. There are four chapters to work through, told from that POV, using FMV. The ladies will ask you a question here and there, and there’s a 50/50 chance you might impress them and increase your chances with them by the close of the game. Others whom you might neglect won’t be an option at the end, so best to focus on one at a time.
Not that you’re interested, but I thought our Casanova’s girlfriend was absolutely fine and definitely a keeper. That wouldn’t be much of a game if you start as you go on, so I found myself immediately attracted to Mia, though I was somehow making more favourable progress with Emily. By the end of Chapter Four, you can select who you want to be with, and, much like similiar games such as Five Hearts Under One Roof and The Fame Game, once you’ve completed a chapter, you can go back and try out different scenarios and find that one of these lovely ladies was way better than you had imagined.
Unfortunately, even when replaying scenes that you’ve already completed, Island of Hearts will make you play through some of the content again. It’s a relatively short game from one narrative thread to another, so not going to make you limp having to watch a 30-second scene again. If you’re trying to unlock all paths, however, it’s a minor setback. What’s different about Island of Hearts compared to similar titles is the inclusion of minigames. They’re pretty straightforward QTEs, which you can fail, so worth replaying on repeat runs, though in reality, quite pointless for this type of thing. What’s mostly likely to draw you to this game (making assumptions) is whether you’ll see any flesh, you might be a simp for some of the actors, or you’re just doing a recee for when you make a move on that girl who works at the convenience store.
In reality, it’s a fantasy. Getting a review code for the game around the release date meant binging on it to unlock the threads before posting this feedback. I’ve since seen that, like Neopets, it’s got a negative rating. I had to take a look at the feedback to see what was wrong with it, and the consensus is that the acting is bad and the plot is bad. Is this where I counter it and say absolutely not? Absolutely not! The acting is atrocious, and the plot is utterly pointless. If you think this was going to be award-winning and profound, you most likely are looking at this game for a different reason than I am. Granted, I am reviewing it, but through choice.
The actors sound like they are reading from a cue card, their delivery is insincere, and the continuity is abysmal. Still, I enjoyed it as I wasn’t expecting anything less. I’m not going to re-enact anything seen in Island of Hearts with my wife, as I value my testicles, but it’s perfectly fine for what it is. Admittedly, Five Hearts Under One Roof is much funnier (this only has fleeting comedy, but doesn’t take itself seriously), and perhaps the poor acting is more notable due to this being in English. On the Steam Deck, there may have been a bug, as it would only play in Mandarin. I was fine with this as I prefer it in the native language with subtitles, but it didn’t sync. Playing on my laptop corrected this, and the actors are in fact speaking in English. Hammy as it is, it’s better than the Mandarin. I can’t do dubbed.
Anyway, if you have high hopes for Island of Hearts as being a game where you’ll be able to show the ladies what they’re missing out on, you’ll be disappointed. More so if you’re expecting Academy Award-level scripts. However, if you want to oodle at some lovely ladies for a bit of cat and mouse banter that won’t result in a stern conversation with HR, or being added to one of those lists, then give the demo a try first. Then you’ll know if you’re likely to find love on the island. That is all.
