Vulgar Knight

It took longer to write this Teenage Blob review than it did to play the game, out now on Steam.

Scandalously short, but what else should we expect from punk and a split album? And while that sounds like a negative, it’s not – I loved my multiple playthroughs of Teenage Blob that I played it three times in a row, like any decent album.

Before long, I found myself humming to the tunes while taking in the visual popping candy. Let’s me make it clear: the art style in the game looks childlike in some respects, and I don’t doubt for one second that they’ll be people poo-pooing it or saying how they could do a better job.

Go on then. 

When you’re done, let me know the name of the game, and I’ll give it a go. In the meantime, let’s talk about this Teenage Blob review.

Teenage Blob Review

Here’s the skinny: you play the blob of the title and your bestie texts you to say that ├╝bergroup The Superweaks are in town and you must go see them. The issue isn’t getting a ticket, but having the right kicks to show up in.

Teenage Blob - Boss
Could be the boss… Source: Screen capture

Cue a range of part-time jobs from delivering sandwiches, being a guitar tech at the local mall or high-fiving folk while dressed as a Battletoad. That’s not the actual job, but it should be a job, and I feel I’m overqualified for it.

There are six mini-games to complement the six tracks by The Superweaks, and there was no letdown in the games – they were all fun in their own way, and if you love them, you just want more, if you hate them, they’re over pretty quick.

You only need the cursor keys and the spacebar in the game. While it says you need to discover for yourself what they do, it’s pretty apparent, and there’s no challenge to the game (except the guitar tech). 

That could be seen as a bad thing, but Teenage Blob is an awesome experience. It’s like an interactive EP.

Nice Butthole

Hands down my favourite game was the Paperboy inspired level where you’re delivering sandwiches through peoples letterboxes or throwing at the local dogs. You’re doing this all naked and are complimented on your butthole. 

It’s nice to get attention on the old balloon knot, eh?.

Between deliveries, the game switches to a downhill game-within a game where you can flip your bike and do a couple of stunts, further down the line, you can stop by the local lake and embrace the moment.

Teenage Blob - View
The view. Source: Screen capture

This doesn’t sound all that exciting, but when playing to the music, it’s a joy, and like my opener, I played this three times in a row the first time around.

The only difficulty I faced was the guitar tech session which is a rhythm game like Double Kick Heroes. As the music plays, you have to hit the cursor keys and spacebar in time. 

While I finished it every time, I found getting the 100% achievement a pain as I ain’t got no rhythm. But that seriously was the only hurdle in the whole thing.

By the time I had secured the funds for the gig in question, I was stoked as if going to see a band play live. The atmosphere was great, and the final mini-game was surreal and gave a new meaning to physics-based games.

Popping Candy For The Soul

As I said, the visual style is very simple, but I loved it. Team Lazerbeam, if you’re reading this, please design me some assets for my website. 

Their use of colours were great, and the visual style did have a very bootleg type feel for those of you who used to circulate tape cassettes or homemade CDs. 

The soundtrack by The Superweaks was stellar. If I’m honest, music is my real passion, but I wouldn’t dream about writing about it. Like art, I know what I like but can’t be doing with the music journalism you see on Spotify or NME. Funk that. Let’s just say that the split in Teenage Blob is harmonious – both on the audio and visual fronts.

Right, let’s get back to the ‘scandalously short’ comment. I finished the game in 23 minutes (one of the things I hate about Steam with the stats tracking). But when it ended, I relaxed through the credits and felt good. By the time I was thanked for my time, I was loading the game up again, then a third to collect some achievements.

Teenage Blob - Merch
Official merch! Source: Screen capture

I don’t know anyone at Team Lazerbeam or The Superweaks, nor would they accept my bribe request of a Fender Jaguar delivered in person by Gal Gadot for a good review, but they’ve got one nevertheless.

Due to the duration and my gushing about how much I like this, I’ve opted out of giving a review score like the recent The Outcast Lovers  (I hate giving scores anyway).

 I do realise that it’s not for everyone. Still, for what it’s worth, I highly recommend Teenage Blob if you have a sense of humour, appreciate good music and want to remember what it’s like to play a fun game without fear of dying, unable to progress because you didn’t collect the key from the well, or haven’t spent enough money on in-game purchases. And the cherry on top; it has a fantastic soundtrack.  

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