Pussy and dick jokes? How low can you go? How about licking and sniffing buttholes? Hello there, you join us for a Cat Detective Albert Wilde review. What’s with all the vulgarity? Albert is a cat, he’s a private eye (known in the business as a dick), and the butthole references? That’s the dialogue written by beyondthosehills. Sick, huh?
Polypomorphic detectives are the thing at the moment; ducks, frogs and chickens are floating at the top of the pool, and as the internet loves cats, why not go that route? Fellow dog lovers might poo-poo this feline before giving it a chance, though is it any good, and what’s with all the questions? That’s what detectives do: interrogate.
Cat Detective Albert Wilde is already a cliche: black and white visuals, gravel monologues, debt-ridden, alcohol dependence and, of course, the broads. Typical of his ilk, Albert is struggling to make ends meet – more so as he has a gambling problem and owes his bookie a lot of money. With the gambling gene taking a nasty hold of his cognitive decision-making, he intends to borrow more money to place on a race, and when this is refused, he takes on a new case with an assumed financial reward. All these private eyes have their flaws and Albert’s is his inability to do his job, as demonstrated by the number of lawsuits against him.
Cat Detective Albert Wilde Review
Being notorious in the world of crime-solving, he’s a bit of a joke, but the force humour him just so that they can get on with their jobs, leaving him to sniff around a peculiar crime scene. With the deceased killed through a bizarre explosion and with an uncanny resemblance to our hero, Cat Detective Albert Wilde is going to be an unusual yet amusing caper.
Interestingly, it’s not the story that makes Cat Detective Albert Wilde unique. In fairness, the set-up is commonplace for a noir, and having seen human bodies with animal heads glued onto the top of their neck stumps, the visuals, too, aren’t a new idea, but the execution is. With talking heads resembling any other dialogue exchanges with alternate camera angles, close-ups, medium shots and whatnot, the gameplay is from a first-person perspective.
The game gives off visual novel vibes, then moving around in a 1930s Doom environment without the guns gives the impression that this will be a bit of an open-world experience, when in fact, it’s very much on rails. Points of interest will be highlighted in yellow and are impossible to miss, and dialogue choices don’t affect the story in the slightest. The game devs define this (from a technical perspective) as a walking simulator and an interactive novel ‘with a strong emphasis on comedy’. Comedy is subjective, of course, and is hit-and-miss.
Let’s (Not) Dance
Playing Cat Detective Albert Wilde on the Steam Deck was… ok. Technically, it worked fine, though it’s not geared up for key binding correctly and has a backward approach to selecting dialogue. The elephant in the room, ignoring the large cast of animals, was an early side-scrolling mini-game where Albert had to battle crocodiles. Seemingly an easy affair with minimal commands, it resorted in a handful of attempts and was incredibly janky. On one ‘run’ Albert had knocked out a crocodile yet they remained standing and could be looted while they stood there with their Street Fighter shoulder-shrugging, unassuming.
In short, this scene was pointless and should have been removed, and the controls/commands should be much more polished. A blend of fonts and colours looked fugly, as did the filter effect which made the visuals more pixelated than film reel-like. Perhaps that was the objective? It missed the mark regardless. Which brings us to the comedy.
Undoubtedly, the humour in Cat Detective Albert Wilde is its selling point, as well as its admission fee and redeeming feature. Toilet humour sits high on the pedestal alongside sarcasm and dry wit, but has the potential of going down the pan (intentional) if overused. With this admission, the butthole references got old incredibly quickly, as did the monotonous monologues delivered by a human (likely AI). Exchanges between characters use their native tongue and were pretty funny, though the real highlight was the writing, as when it didn’t rely on repetitive lines, it was often hilarious, and there were a fair amount of laugh-out-loud moments. The dance sequence was very sobering and redundant. It even features on the Steam store page. Why? It looks like the baby dance from Ally McBeal. Ask your grandparents.
Cat Detective Albert Wilde Review Summary
Cat Detective Albert Wilde has the hallmarks of the classic film noir it attempts for, and the story, formula and expectations are there. As a game, it’s very clunky, yet forgivable. The choices: first-person, aesthetics, keybinding and ‘action’ sequences were odd, but with a relatively fair runtime, the game doesn’t outstay its welcome, though it flirts with it. Overall, it could have done with a lot of polishing, as the opener is exactly the same as the original demo – beats and all. Still, if you fancy some absurdity, a good old chuckle, and into your pussy, maybe – just maybe, you should have a look at the store page.
