Is It Any Wonder That You Suck At Parking?

What better way to exercise your ability to park when facing adversity.. erm... in the face? You Suck At Parking is your calling.

Yeah, that’s right: You Suck At Parking. It’s a double-edged sword as it’s obviously the game’s name, but it’s also a dig at your abilities, man. It sucks to be you. 

But don’t be so downbeat. It’s Happy Volcano’s fault, not yours. They’ve made this driving/puzzler bastard fiendishly demanding yet deliciously satisfying, but with a bittersweet aftertaste. On the one hand, the environmental hazards are simply sadistic; however, the handling and physics in the game are awesome. The customisation is fun, too.

I covered You Suck At Parking ages ago during a Steam Next Fest, but woe is me, a code was not provided for review, and I only just got around to it due to picking up Game Pass once more (there’s also a new You Suck At Parking edition on the horizon, but I didn’t do a news piece for that).

You Suck At Parking
Source: Steam

You Suck At Parking Review (PC)

There’s only one goal in the game: find the princess. Thankfully, that idea was scrapped, and instead, you have to park cars in allocated parking spaces before time runs out. As these are designated spaces, driving around the block twice or double parking is unnecessary.


Ok, so you could end up driving in circles in You Suck At Parking for two reasons. The first is based on the multiple attempts you’re likely to have on a stage, and the second is positioning your vehicle without stopping. If you stop, that’s as bad as using the brakes, and brakes are for losers.

Playing this exclusively on the keyboard, W would propel the car forward, while A and D would steer left and right. S is there to stop, but as mentioned above, it’s more of an afterthought as the ideal plan would be preparing your route in advance and knowing when to stop perfectly.

You Suck At Parking - Park it up
No, *you* suck. Source: Screen capture

Park Life 

A mixture of Micro Machines and PAKO CaravanYou Suck At Parking is from a top-down/pseudo isometric viewpoint. Seeing where to go is… fair, and at the start of each level, there’s an inspect option, serving as a fly-by of the stage. This is the bit where you do a risk assessment of the obstacles.

Apart from totalling your car if you drive too fast into a barrier or fall off the map, hazards such as industrial fans, fire damage, and a host more prevent you from having an easy ride to the next stop. The number of cars you operate is practically unlimited (R spawns the next one), but there’s a time limit for each stage and a limited fuel tank.

You Suck At Parking is competitive. There are two campaigns – a standard one plus an ‘inferno’ version that starts by igniting your vehicle into a ticking time bomb of heat. Reaching the next space might be doable, but a lot of the time, you have to find something to put out the flames; otherwise, you’ll blow up.

You Suck At Parking Review - Park up
Park up. Source: Steam

Competitive Driving

Though unlimited cars, you need to do each stage without using more vehicles than the available parking spaces to get the perfect run. You can still complete a level, but that competitive flair takes over – especially with the online leaderboards.

But ignoring that ‘competing with a stranger’ mentality, the better the run, the more customisation options unlock. Vehicles are purely cosmetic, but it’s a lot of fun chucking random objects on the hood or adding novelty explosions or horns to make You Suck At Parking so much more… personal. 

As fun as it may be, there is a fair share of rage moments. After the first couple of areas, the levels ramp up significantly, and there’s further emphasis on that sadistic element. The developers really want you to suffer, but high risks mean greater rewards. When you finally perfect a stage (if you make it that far), it’s immensely satisfying. Just don’t talk about the microtransactions.


You Suck At Parking is ace, but expect to be triggered by one-too-many stages with ruthless obstacles and expectations. Initially a binge-worthy experience, gameplay matures into a ‘few attempts at a time’ in fear of losing one’s sanity. In my opinion, it’s worth that risk; thus, You Suck At Parking is a definite recommendation.

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