Woman Simulator Review – Scrubbing, Suffering, and Surviving Appraisals

What I’d give to be a woman. No, I’m not thinking of transitioning, but man – what a life. Then I played Woman Simulator and thought, nah, you’re alright. Actually, this is one of the only games I knew about before it became available, and that’s courtesy of DazGames.

I don’t like watching other people play games unless they’re in the same room as me, yet I loved their take on it. I’m not going to appease opposing groups and say I’m anti-misogyny, a feminist, or say ‘Yes. Women should stay in the kitchen’.

Woman Simulator doesn’t reflect my views, though given the name of the game, it’s clear it’s not to be taken seriously, with theme music that includes the lines:

Scrubbing and wiping, wish I could recline
Life’s not easy, but I’m still divine
So damn tired, but still looking fine

Amusing, but I played with the sound down, just in case.

First Day On The Job

For today, we’re Nina, and she’s married to Michael. She lives in a lovely, unpopulated neighbourhood and has a beautiful house, soon to be smothered in footprints. It’s up to Nina to keep the place in order.

Each day, Michael goes to work and leaves a note on the fridge with daily tasks, plus an allowance where she can occasionally treat herself to a new mop or sponge. A real stand-up guy, and definitely a romantic.

Nina’s tasks will include cleaning the dishes, doing the washing, wiping the floor, paying bills, preparing meals, and lots of other things a woman apparently does. Remember, this is Woman Simulator; it’s factually accurate.

Surprisingly, the tasks are really enjoyable. That repetitive motion of moving a sponge back and forth to clean a plate squeaky clean, or ironing hubby’s tighty-whities, is living the dream. I’m not being sarcastic; I like cleaning games.

The Game Of Scrub

Nina’s morale will drop while performing these. I don’t see why – she’s doing house chores. Isn’t that what women do? To counter this, sitting on the sofa or having a bath will lift her mood. It’s also good for passing the time, but keep an eye on the dinner!

In the home office, Nina can use the PC to order in ingredients and upgrades to save time throughout the day. She can also send messages back and forth to her mum and a pal. See, Woman Simulator has everything!

Achievements like ‘survived day 2’ were amusing, but then it started getting darker. Michael demands more, with challenges such as Nina washing up faster than a co-worker’s wife. This eats into the day, and consequently, tasks weren’t getting completed.

Incomplete objectives carry to the next day, aside from dinner prep, though any food left out goes rotten and you have to clean that up. What does that mean? More time. The working day in Woman Simulator goes alarmingly fast, and when Michael returns, it’s time for your appraisal.

Out Of 2, I’d Give Her 1

Nina waits at the door like a puppy for her beloved, who scans the environment before greeting her. He then assesses each task. With each completion, his mood lifts, and the opposite happens if you fail – which carries over to the next day.

Again, Woman Simulator’s tasks are fun, but without the urgency. I’ve played a lot of first-person simulators, and cleaning elements are always enjoyable. While tongue-in-cheek, there is a shift in the language and connotations.

No, I wasn’t offended and rant about it on social media, but the way Michael speaks to Nina gets nastier, and I wanted to pick up the chopping knife and… chop up some more vegetables. Should anything happen to him, he would have deserved it…

The ropey and emotionless delivery of the dialogue brings you back to reality and reminds you that it’s a game, though that in itself is distracting. Also, what is with all the photos in the house? Out of curiosity, have you seen the film Don’t Worry Darling? That’s the vibe I was getting.

Stick To Being A Man?

For now, I’ll stick to being a man. Woman Simulator has taught me a lot about women. Yes, there are funny bits and some of the key art is hilarious, but the standout was the cleaning tasks and their repetition. It doesn’t compel me to clean my own house, however.

Sebasa Games’ simulation has been an insight into something I would never normally experience. And, if I truly want to become a woman after this, all I need to do is sing the theme tune in front of my wife and wait for the sound of my testicles slowly being torn from me.