Alan Wake: the man whose name rhymes with Jaffa Cake (is it a cake? is it a biscuit? F-I-G-H-T!), is currently being given a makeover. Nothing like any reality shows you see on Netflix, but a facelift of his debut album now renamed Alan Wake Remastered.
Only yesterday, Twitter went mad with quotes and retweets about how Alan Wake is one of their favourite games, posting an image of their version of the game (which is the same as yours), to verify their status as a gamer. Oh, and they’ve been playing games for as long as they can remember. I’ve been thinking for as long as I can remember.
I would write a news piece, but it’ll be regurgitated PR from what everyone else has written. Instead of talking about next-gen and 4K graphics, I’ll be fabricating a nonsensical history of Alan Wake and what he’s been doing for the past 11 years. Y’know, for kicks, but mostly a fingering exercise, to stretch the digits with some mad thoughts only my mother will read. Because I ask.
Interesting fact number one: Alan Wake is a bestselling author. That’s not likely to be a revelation to most, but before writing, he was an accomplished tuba player – featuring on Frankie Wet Lips’ seminal album: Rusty Trombones and a Packet of Beans. However, he was primarily a session player and couldn’t make a break for it in the spotlight.
So, he began composing music, then lyrics, which organically shifted to music journalism, and he was one of the pioneers for ‘big long words’ on Spotify biographies. The problem was his tone. He’d often start with a generic rag to riches history of an artist, then would kill them off in some existential scenario. This didn’t go down too well with BTS fans, as they just knew that V was still kicking about. He then shifted to writing a novel, like many people do, only it was an enormous success.
After selling more than 20 copies, Remedy approached him to make a game about his endeavours. Rather than focus on the music, they wanted to create an isolated story set in the future like Aliens; only instead of space, it would be in present-day rural America. With a hefty paycheck, they made the game, and he was forever immortalised and tweeted about with photos of his game on retro shelves and used in quotes like “Best Alan ever” and “Taught me how to read”.
Alas, nothing lasts forever, and he eventually spent all his money on retro typewriters and beard oil for his clean-shaven jaw. There was an attempt to revisit his story in another game, but it was a bit too sci-fi, and only the die-hards really enjoyed that, including Bruce Willis, who was set to replace Alan Wake as Alan Fury.
After a signature descent into madness like most writers often do, he picked himself back up again and got back into his music, albeit listening to it. For almost a decade, he shifted between jobs but eventually ended up in prison due to betting on a football game. Reluctant to return to his life upon release, he kidnapped a woman from a tap-dancing class, begging her to pretend to be his wife in front of his disapproving parents. Interestingly, she went for it, and the two fell in love and opened an animal rescue shelter in Michigan.
But the call to gaming lured him in once more, and Remedy once again said they’d like to revisit the good one they did, only they’ll make him look prettier. Whether that means botox and other aesthetics will all be speculation, but you’ll be able to find out once Alan Wake Remastered launches on PlayStation, Xbox and PC soon. In 4K.
It’s all true. I read it on the internet.